Cheap Plastic Rings
by Barricade.Boys
Summary: LOTR characters deal with cheap plastic rings, the One Ring, and chocolate bars. Read for the sake of lame humor.


**Disclaimer: Since Walmart isn't a fictional character (how weird does THAT sound?), I guess I have to put a disclaimer up. Well, I probably don't have to, because who would sue a weird 13 year old, but I will just because. I don't own Walmart. w00t!**

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One day, Sauron the Dark Lord of Mordor decided to go to Walmart. He walked through the automatic doors without once running into them; a big accomplishment. Feeling very proud of himself, he strode up to the lame prize and candy dispensers. Soon, he found the one he was looking for. It was labeled "Cheap Plastic Rings! Only 25 cents! No refunds or warranty. Sorry about that."

Sauron smiled. "Hooray! Step one of my search is completed!" He took out a checklist and marked off, "Find Ring Machine." Putting in 25 cents, he turned the handle until a tiny capsule fell into the slot.

Picking it up, Sauron forcibly tried removing the cap, with some difficulty. "Darn these things!" he murmured. "I never could open them… Ah ha! Got it" Sauron dropped the splintered plastic pieces onto the floor and held his prize aloft. The pink ring dazzled in the artificial light, glowing in its plastic glory.

Sauron took out his butane lighter, which sported the words "I PWN ALL." Turning his back to the cash registers, Sauron lit his lighter and held it to the ring. Nothing happened but a physical change to the ring's characteristics, which involved bubbling, melting, and oozing all over Sauron's hand, but we won't go into that.

"Darn it!" Sauron took out another quarter and slid it into the machine. He turned the knob, and out popped another cheap ring. Sauron picked it up reverently, then promptly placed it on the ground and jumped on it. CRUNCH! The plastic capsule broke, and the only thing remaining in tact was a blue ring with a green gem on top.

Sauron once again pulled out his butane lighter. More oozing. Sauron's hand was now blue and green. As one little girl walked by, she noticed the strange colors. "Oh, look, Mommy! That funny looking man has a pretty hand!" Her mother looked over to where the girl was pointing, plastered a strange look on her face, then walked away quickly. "By, Mr. Pretty Hand!" the girl called over her shoulder. Sauron scowled.

This continued for several more minutes. Minutes turned to hours. Hours turned to days. Well, not really, but that doesn't matter. The point is that it took Sauron a very long time. A very, very long time. But somehow, magically, the machine did not run out of rings.

Eventually, a teenage boy walked up to Sauron. "Uh, sorry, dude, but it's closing time. I'm going to have to ask you to leave." Sauron scowled.

"Fool! You think I would listen to a mortal man such as you? Nonsense!"

"Yeah, uh, I'm afraid if you don't leave I'll have to call the police."

"Fool! You have won this time, but I WILL BE BACK!" Sauron stalked out the door.

"Whatever," murmured the boy, and turned back to checking out the last customers. One of which happened to be Frodo Baggins.

As he was leaving, Frodo saw a cheap plastic rings dispenser. "Oh, wow! A cheap plastic ring! Just what I've always wanted!" Frodo dug around in his pocket, eventually drawing out a quarter. Placing it into the slot, Frodo turned the handle. Out popped a golden ring. "Aw, man," moaned Frodo. "I wanted plastic…" Tossing the ring behind the machine, Frodo walked out the doors. Well, he ran into them first, but you can't expect everything to go right.

* * *

The next day, Aragorn walked into the shop when something shiny caught his eye. Looking around for the shimmer again, he saw something behind the cheap plastic rings machine. He crouched down to get a better look at the something.

"Darn back… stupid arthritis…" he complained. Eventually he got far enough down to reach under and pull out the tiny capsule. "Wow!" he gasped. "A shiny ring! This sure isn't plastic. On a wild suspicion for the sake of this story, I'm going to wonder out loud if it's a magic ring? Let's see!" Aragorn opened the capsule easily and pulled the ring out. Pulling out his butane lighter, which read "Rangers Rawk" he held it up to the ring. Immediately, bright red letters popped up. "'Go to Kmart, you loser….' What the heck? Oh, I'm reading it backwards! Silly me! That's better! 'One Ring to rule them all….'"

Aragorn hopped up with joy, hitting his head on the machine and murdering his back, but he didn't care. "I've found it! I've found it! I've found THE magic ring!" Overly excited, Aragorn accidentally flipped the ring into the air, losing sight of it immediately. "Oh, whatever. I never wanted to be ruler anyway…" Aragorn finished his shopping and went home.

* * *

Soon, Merry and Pippin were shopping at the very same Walmart when Pippin said, "Merry! I spy with my little eye something shiny and gold and ring shaped!"

"Oh, my, Pippin!" said Merry. "Whatever could it be?"

"I don't know! I'm going to go pick it up!" And pick it up Pippin did. "Wow!" he exclaimed. "It looks just like Frodo's ring! Maybe we should give it to him!"

"I don't like the sound of that. That ring means trouble. We should put it somewhere where it will never make any more trouble…"

* * *

Legolas walked into Walmart through the "push 'em yourself" doors. He's not a lazy hobbit, ranger, or Dark Lord! He's an ELF! So, anyway, Legolas walked into Walmart. As he was shopping for Lembas bread with no luck, (they had become quite unpopular after everyone ate them for days on end) Legolas began rummaging through the clothing department. As he walked past a mannequin, he saw a small ring in its hand.

"Weird rituals…" Legolas murmured and walked away with an armload of chocolate. "Making sacrifices to mannequins… as if!" Looking around furtively, Legolas snuck a chocolate bar into the mannequin's free hand. "There you go, buddy…"

* * *

"I love you, you love me, we're a happy family….." Gimli sang as he skipped into Walmart. Being too short to activate the automatic doors or reach the handle on the "push 'em yourself" doors, he just walked in through the cart entrance.

Walking through the isles, he looked from side to side. "Boring… ugly…. Who in their right mind would wear that?" Gimli commented on every item he saw. Approaching a mannequin, he saw a chocolate bar stuffed into its right hand. "Oh, chocolate!" Gimli proceded to (somehow, considering his height) grab the candy bar, rip the wrapping off, and devour the sumptuous chocolate. Chocolate smeared all over his face, Gimli proceeded to walk down the isle about two steps before he was immediately smoted. An employee walked by and swept up the ashes.

* * *

Sauron walked into the store again, hoping to pick up this summer's hottest fashions at a cheap price. What caught his eye, however, was a mannequin holding a golden ring. Pulling out his trusty ol' lighter, Sauron picked up the ring and performed the flame test. "Hooray! My magic ring and I have been reunited! However, Seventeen Magazine says that finger rings are out of style and that toe rings are the hottest new thing. So I must part with this ring and go buy a new one!" Dropping the ring in the middle of the isle, Sauron walked away to the jewelry department whistling a happy tune.

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**Sorry if I didn't get your favorite characters in. I was too tired. (I know, lame excuse). And please don't think I hate all the characters; I was just poking some fun at them!**


End file.
